OMG (noob alert)

[Alwayslost]

I can see why those of you that help out get so frustrated, I'm a noob here and I started out at the FAQ and worked from there. So now I have a slight understanding of what I'm in for, and the few questions I did have were answered politely...

Then I started just scanning headlines and opening topics to check them out...

It's amazing the number of first time posters that ask a question that was answered two topics away... Astounding that they don't seem to even make a minimal effort to figure out or solve their own problem.

And even more impressive is the fact that you're still here working on this project and doing one hell of a good job.

So just a congratulations from a noob, and a thank you for the effort in SEQ and these boards.

Keep up the good work, and if I find myself in a position to help, I will.

[BlueAdept]

Hehe...finally a noob who has something intelligent to say!

Even though Im not a developer or anything close to that, I still try to help people (for the most part).

Over the last 2 1/2 years that I have hung around HQ and here, I have seen some very STUPID people. The type of people where you tell the person to press any key and they respond with "where is the anykey?"

Just remember, the search button is your friend.

[Alwayslost]

"Where is the Anykey?" LOL, sounds like my wife.

BA, I've already been to your site, I like the new look too..

I can't wait to play with those filters... SEQ just looks so cool.

If only I could get the box working right...

[BlueAdept]

Heh...I found a site that offers "anykey" stickers to place over a key. They also sell "Idiot Outside" (instead of Intel Inside) case stickers...I wanted to get a bunch of them for work, but my boss wouldnt let me.

I work in an IT department. My favorite comment we use occasionally when describing a problem is: "Oh that is just an ID-10t error" (ID10T=idiot).

[guice]

PEBKAC!! 8)

[Alwayslost]

Funniest thing I ever saw happen was while I was working at Sun Micro and a coworker's box crashed with the message:

Failure:
OE at: a0 2e e2 ff ff ff ee 12 (or some such similar)

He turned to me and asked what is OE?

I tried very hard to keep a straight face and said "Operator Error"

[RSB]

When I was stationed in Hawaii I occasionaly helped out with the the help desk and here are a few my favorites that I responded to.
1)
Customer
"Hello, my computer isn't working"
Me
"Ok, can you tell me what exactly happens when you turn on your computer"
Customer
"It beeps a few times, hums a bit then after about a minute goes quiet but the screen stays black"
Me
"It there a light on in the lower right hand corner?"
Customer
"No"
Me
"Can you push the button in the lower right had corner for me?"
Customer
"Oh wow thanks that worked"
Me
"No problem. Have a good day"
Click - *hang up the phone"
me yelling
"I HATE STUPID PEOPLE"
Strangly the only reactions where mumbles of agreement.

2)
Same situation but after going through everything with the user and not figuring out what the problem was myself and another sgt went up to look at the machine. It wouldn't boot up as the customer claimed. We took the cover off to look at the daignostic LED's inside turned on the power button and everything worked that time without us touching anything. So he put the cover back on, screwed it back down and told the customer it was all fixed. They then asked what the problem was and he goes "The systems fluxuation capasitor had a negitive charge so I had to reset it" the customer goes "Oh, that makes sense" and we walked off. When we got to the elevator I looked at him and said "Where the hell was that crap that you feed them come from?" he goes "I've been watching to many sci-fi movies lately". My standard response to customers when things started magically working again without me doing anything was "Computers are scared of me and know I'll get violent with them if I take them to the repair shop"

RSB

[BlueAdept]

Heh...I feel for you. Part of my job is helpdesk.

We have an operator that got a terminal locked (my boss nor I had ever seen a terminal say it was locked. We had to do some research to find out what happened). It turned out that the operator tried 126 times to log in. (it locked the terminal after 125 consecutive incorrect logins).

Anyway...we called her and asked why she tried so many times without calling us. She said it didnt seem that many times and that she knew her password but the terminal wouldnt take it.

We thought that she forgot the password so we changed it to an easy phrase that has to be changed the next time she logged in. She still couldnt log in.

Our next thought was that it was a bad keyboard. So my partner went down and replaced the keyboard without trying it. She still couldnt log in.

He went back down there and tried it himself, worked fine for him. We left her logged in.

Next day get a call...its her again, cant log in. I got a little P.O.ed and changed her password to her login name. She still couldnt log in. I went down and tried it myself...no problems. Got very flustered with her...went back up without saying a word and changed her password to X. That is right, just one key. I had my partner call and tell her that her password was now X. She logged in!!! It was a bloody miracle!

It has been about 2 weeks without a call from her. We have been monitoring the incorrect logins on that terminal. It seems to take her an average of about 3 screw ups before she gets her login name and the password of X right.

Now there is a person who is going to go far in their life

[guice]

Tech, "Okay, I want you to place your mouse over 'My Computer' and double click your left mouse button."

Customer, "Okay"

Over the phone, "*tap .. tap tap .. *"

Customer, "It's not working".

Tech, " what do you mean it's not working?"

After 5 mins of trying to get "double click" to work.

Tech, "Tell me exactly what you are doing ..."

Customer, "I'm picking up my mouse, placing it [on the monitor] over 'My Computer' and double clicking the left button".




True story.



Tech, "Why can't you get to www.netscape.com?"

Customer, "I don't know, I type in www.netscape.com and hit submit".

Tech, "Submit?"

Customer, "Yeah, here on google, there's a submit button I press".

Tech sighs.
( I had this call once. )


( After 5 min phone call - Customer trying to get to a webpage, but everytime she types it in the locate bar, nothing happens? ):
Tech, "Okay, click on the Location bar"

Customer, "done"

Tech, "Now type: w-w-w.netscape.c-o-m and hit enter".

Customer, "OH! I have to hit enter?!"

Tech cries


I worked 5 mnths at a local ISP doing tech support. I have stories! Boy, do I have stories. /cries

[quackrabbit]

My favorite was the user who called up and said that they were supposed to press the <ANY> key and couldn't find it on their keyboard...

Or the user that said they are pressing a key (at the press any key prompt) and the program won't continue. You ask them what key they are pressing and they reply <SHIFT> or <CONTROL> ... *bangs head on keyboard*.

I ALWAYS used to code my applications to say "Press <SPACE> to continue" even tho they were scanning for any keypress.

Thank god for Windows

[Kynder]

heh... i worked the tech support lines for HP pavilion computers for a year and man have i got stories... /shudder

One customer called me believing something was wrong with his computer because it wouldn't turn on... I go through the standard trouble shooting making sure he's pressing the power button and such and if it's plugged in. I ask him to verify it's plugged in by looking behind the computer and making sure. Customer told me that he couldn't do that because he can't see it. After I asked him why not he told me the room was dark because the power was out.... true story...

Craziest call was taken by my friend who was working there... customer said his computer was floating. I mean like physically floating about a foot above the desk.... to appease the customer he conferenced in a priest to perform an exorcism over the phone... yes, another true story...

and those are just two of the many wonderful examples of the stupidity of the n00b... /shiver

[Alwayslost]

I can just hear it now...

"I banish thee to the realms of /null oh heathen spawn of Gates!"

[Gungadin]

He he, I've worked on helpdesks on and off for 10 yeard, and have seen most of the problems people have posted here. My top three of the best i have had, and i know you will think i am making them up but they are true, are....

3. on WordPerfect helpdesk providing support for dos based wordperfect to the general public......
ME: Good morning , WordPerfect customer support, how can i help you?
USER: Where have you been?
ME: I'm sorry, what do you mean?
USER: I pushed F1 for help over 3 hours ago and still nobody's shown up. When are you coming over?
ME: <Stunned silence>

2. Providing in-house and customer support for small business software retailer, when windows has been out for couple of years.
I get a call asking for a bigger mouse mat from one of the sales execs. I get the biggest one i can find, and head down to see him, and see the problem. When he moves the mouse to the edge of his desk, instead of picking it up and moving it back up the desk and putting it down again so that he can keep dragging downwards, he is placing a book on the edge of the desk and continuing to move the mouse down accross the book, but the book is too slippery and the mouse doesn't move well on the book.
With an amazingly straight face i manage to demonstrate the possability of just picking the mouse up and moving it, replace his mouse mat with the biggest one i had and left.

1. on a wordperfect hepldesk providing first level support to the general public, around the time wordperfect for windows first came out...
ME: ok, now you need to open up windows.
USER: ok <sound of phone being put down>
<sound of person walking accross room>
<sound of person opening window>
<sound of person walking back to phone>
USER: done, but i'm nor sure how that helps.
ME:<frantically gesturing for someone to take the call before i explode>

I know what it is like to deal with newbs, but remember we were all once newbs, and when the next new thing comes out we will be newbs at that too :-)

Congratulations on your patience and desire to help others, may they never run out.

[Bltracer]

My personal favorite was one I took as a tech about 14 years ago.


Received a call that the loan specialists Coffee Cup Holder was not working properly.

Well, since I was supposd to fix everything for these ladies, I went out "Thinking" I was going to work on one of the mug warmers that sits on your desk... Little did I know, there was a new thing being installed into computers...

Thats right, she thought the CD-ROM tray was a coffee cup holder!!! It was stuck out and wouldn't go back in...

After putting it back on track, I told her it was a CD player... and asked her not to put her coffee there again.

[fox]

worked 5 years for gateway via an outsourcer before they gave us the finger and left. now doing injustice to an ISP.

guice: ahh, the PEBKAC. Had someone just before the account left call up and say that the last tech told him he had the Pebkac virus. He called Symantec but they didn't find anything but asked if he meant the KAK worm. Whee.

All time favorite to listen to (thank god I didn't have to talk to her)was a lady who called up screaming:

Irate lady: You broke my dishwasher!

Tech: I'm sorry?

Irate lady: YOU BROKE MY DISHWASHER!

Tech: (line silent for a moment, I was sure he had her on mute going 'wtf?') I guess I don't understand, what happened exactly?

Irate lady: One of you guys told me to wash my keyboard, so I put it in the dishwasher! It melted and it's all over the inside!


Turns out the prior tech told her she could rinse it out since she had spilled something in it, and it had ceased to work... Apparently had neglected to mention that if she chose to use the dishwaser to poke the little button that said NO HEAT. dry cycle came on and turned the keyboard into a molten pillar of plastic from the top rack down into the motor at the bottom.

rumor has it that she had convinced customer service to buy her a new dishwasher :P Never could get it confirmed though.

Of course after five years of that crap I've seen and heard and heard again all the common horror stories... Just wish I had planned ahead and recorded some of the more 'fun' calls. Hindsight is 20/20, I suppose.

--yarf